Grandfather

Over the holiday weekend I went to a family reunion. We remembered and thought about the life and heritage our grandfather, Eli S. Miller, offered us. It was strange in a way seeing as how I never knew the man. He died when I was only two. Yet he looms large in my life as a man of honor, integrity and love.

My grandfather was a self-made, salt of the earth kind of man. His homespun humor and observations on life had a Will Rogers-like feel to it. He had very little formal education, but was filled with wisdom. He worked hard on his farm, was never rich financially, but was generous to a fault. He repaired watches and charged people less than the parts cost. He had no enemies, but had friends from all walks of life. At his market stall he sold honey he collected from his own bees and many other products from his farm. His hospitality was known far and wide. He never left the country, but traveled all over the world through his lifetime subscription to National Geographic. He was known to bend the rules, not in rebellion, but just because rules were meant to be tested a bit.

My grandfather was Amish!

At the reunion one of my first cousin’s sons had an old wallet from my grandfather, his great-grandfather. He got it from his grandmother, my aunt, after her death. In the wallet were various interesting papers from around WWII, but most interesting were two things.

On an identity card my grandfather had written. “If you find this wallet keep the money, but please return the rest.” He placed the value of his wallet on things other than the money. This was very typical of my grandfather.

What did he value? Well he carried a morning and evening prayer with him at all times so that he could regularly engage in prayer no matter where he was. The prayers were in old German script. I, having lived in Germany for four years, was able to read them. There was a depth and grace communicated through these prayers that was deeply moving. To think that my grandfather held these very papers in his hand and reverently read these words morning and evening, offering them to God in earnest prayer, was humbling and inspiring.

Other than connecting with relatives I had not seen in 30 years, seeing the contents of grandpa’s wallet was the highlight of the reunion. Somehow these physical items provided a link to my past…a link to my grandfather. He passed on his wisdom and humble generosity to my dad, who, of all his siblings, was probably most like my grandfather. I desperately hope I soaked up some of that wisdom and humility from him.

And I pray that someday my descendants will be able to look at my life and feel about me like I feel about my grandfather.

Peace,

Leon

Bless my Enemies

Every now and then I reflect on the difficult times in my life. Ok. I’ll be honest. There are times when I obsess on how people have hurt me, or those I love. We say it is natural to feel anger or respond with less than charitable feelings. And yet I am coming to believe that when we are most human, we are most clearly reflecting the glory of God.

I recently read about the stoning of Stephen. As he was dying he implored God to not count his own murder as sin. I do not possess that purity of spirit. It humbles me to realize how far I am from what God intends for my life to be. Thus the prayer below from St. Nikolai, the author of the Prayers by the Lake. This man understood the depth of humanity, but also had a glimpse of the beauty of God at work within his life. This prayer gives expression to who I desire to be…someday.  Lord have mercy.

A Prayer of St. Nikolai of Ochrid

Lord, Bless My Enemies

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Enemies have driven me into Thy embrace more than friends have. Friends have bound me to earth, enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world. Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Thy tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world. They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself. They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments. They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish. Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a dwarf. Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background. Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand. Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep. Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out. Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of Thy garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me: so that my fleeing to Thee may have no return; so that all hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs; so that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul; so that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger; so that I might amass all my treasure in heaven; ah, so that I may for once be freed from self deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself. One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends. It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.

Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.

A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand.But a son blesses them, for he understands. For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Amen

Ostrov and Repentance

This week I finally had the opportunity to watch the Russian movie Ostrov (from 2006). I came away from the film filled with awe at the intense desire to repent exhibited by the main character. It was only later when I was re-telling the story of the film to my dear wife that I realized how deeply it had effected me…I cried as I remembered parts of the film.

I realized that my own heart is not so eager to recognize my sin and far too eager to see the sin of others. I was reminded of the prayer below which I find so meaningful. Frankly I am far too selfish to create such a prayer on my own.

May we all find our hearts turned towards God in joyful repentance.

Peace,

Leon

This xxix prayer of St. Nicholai of Zicha from Prayers by the Lake

For all the sins of men I repent before You, Most Merciful Lord. Indeed, the seed of all sins flows in my blood! With my effort and Your mercy I choke this wicked crop of weeds day and night, so that no tare may sprout in the field of the Lord, but only pure wheat.

I repent for all those who are worried, who stagger under a burden of worries and do not know that they should put all their worries on You. For feeble man even the most minor worry is unbearable, but for You a mountain of worries is like a snowball thrown into a fiery furnace.

I repent for all the sick, for sickness is the fruit of sin. When the soul is cleansed with repentance, sickness disappears with sin, and You, my Eternal Health, take up Your abode in the soul.

I repent for unbelievers, who through their unbelief amass worries and sicknesses both on themselves and on their friends.

I repent for all those who blaspheme God, who blaspheme against You without knowing that they are blaspheming against the Master, who clothes them and feeds them.

I repent for all the slayers of men, who take the life of another to preserve their own. Forgive them, Most Merciful2 Lord, for they know not what they do. For they do not know that there are not two lives in the universe, but one, and that there are not two men in the universe, but one. Ah, how dead are those who cut the heart in half!

I repent for all those who bear false witness, for in reality they are homicides and suicides.

For all my brothers who are thieves and who are hoarders of unneeded wealth I weep and sigh, for they have buried their soul and have nothing with which to go forth before You.

For all the arrogant and the boastful I weep and sigh, for before You they are like beggars with empty pockets.

For all drunkards and gluttons I weep and sigh, for they have become servants of their servants.

For all adulterers I repent, for they have betrayed the trust. of the Holy Spirit, who chose them to form new life through them. Instead, they turned serving life into destroying life.

For all gossipers I repent, for they have turned Your most precious gift, the gift of speech, into cheap sand.

For all those who destroy their neighbor’s hearth and home and their neighbor’s peace I repent and sigh, for they bring a curse on themselves and their people.

For all lying tongues, for all suspicious eyes, for all raging hearts, for all insatiable stomachs, for all darkened minds, for all ill will, for all unseemly thoughts, for all murderous emotions–I repent, weep and sigh.

For all the history of mankind from Adam to me, a sinner, I repent; for all history is in my blood. For I am in Adam and Adam is in me.

For all the worlds, large and small, that do not tremble before Your awesome presence, I weep and cry out: O Master Most Merciful, have mercy on me and save me!”