Death

For a long time, in my daily prayers, I have included prayers for those who have lost loved ones. The sense of despair can be overwhelming.

This week dear friends of mine lost their 18 year old son in a car crash. I was reminded of the depth of sorrow death brings to those of us who still live. While I have never lost a child I have lived through the death of numerous family members, including my first wife. As I have grieved the loss of my friend’s son I tried to put into words how I remember feeling when death invaded my life.

What follows is kind of dark, but it is real. It is what I felt. Thank God it is not the end of the journey, but it was a very real phase. Perhaps later I will add more to this piece that includes the healing phase. I can honestly say life is good. I have joy.  But I also have a deep identification with those who suffer the pain of loss. Join me in lifting up to God all who are in the depth of pain that comes when someone they love departs this life.

Death

The gaping hole inside…is filled with empty, numbing pain

Tears; waterfalls really…but I can’t seem to cry anymore

Shock…overwhelming reality

I cannot go on…I must go on

I am exhausted…insomnia has become my partner

I cannot take in such a vast amount of pain…yet it keeps on coming

I go into the room, smell the clothes …but will never again hold my loved one

Memories comfort me…memories torture me

I am empty inside…but filled with an aching longing

I will be sad forever…I cannot even imagine the future

Vague numbness…specific pain

I cannot cry anymore…but suddenly, I weep and sob

I feel abandoned…a deep, abiding sorrow is my constant companion

I am so full of pain…I am rarely hungry

My life has come to a screeching halt…others go on as if nothing has happened

All of me is pain and suffering…my soul has been shredded

Every waking moment is wracked with pain…the blessing of sleep eludes me

Life goes on…I cannot put one foot in front of the other

I cling to memories…but the life I knew is gone

Will this nightmare never end…I am reminded at 3 AM, this is no dream, this is my life

O Lord. Have mercy on all who suffer the despair of loss. Have mercy O God. Have mercy.

November 22 The Day My World Changed Forever

I remember where I was on November 22, the day JFK was assassinated. That day changed the way Americans perceived their country and the world. It was a pivotal day in the life of our nation. But that is not the reason I write today.

November 22, 1998 is a day that will always live in my mind, because this is the day that Lena, my first wife, was diagnosed with lung cancer at 42. She had been sick for several weeks, but no one expected cancer. The day began with coughed up blood, an emergency baby sitter, a dash to the Dr. a quick x-ray, admittance into the hospital, and people in and out, probing, asking questions, having us sign papers. Lena seemed to be melting away before my eyes. She was weak and often non-responsive. It was more details than I could take in, but that was the day that I realized “till death do us part” was going to happen a lot sooner than I ever imagined just eight years earlier.

November 22 was the day the responsibility of being a single father to my very young kids seemed like the weight of the Titanic. How would I ever be able to give them what they needed to face the world? I did not believe I was up to the challenge.

November 22 was the day I discovered that a terminal illness changes the nature of your relationship to your spouse. In a real way it was the day I lost her. Lena could no longer be my wife. We were no longer on equal footing. I became the one who was responsible for her, our kids, and our home. We were no longer walking side by side as it were. To be sure we were still married, but what marriage now meant changed that day.

November 22 was the day, when on a quick run home to get some toiletries, I collapsed on the floor of my desperately empty house and sobbed a plea to God, “Don’t you leave me too.”

November 22 was when, after waiting an eternity it was finally our turn to get a CAT scan. It was about nine o’clock in the evening. The technician invited me into the room rather than make me wait alone in the hall. He informed me that he would not be able to tell me anything, but as I watched the screen and only saw one normal looking lung appear, my worst fears were confirmed.

November 22, late into the night, was when I first went on the internet and looked up the statistics on lung cancer. I discovered so much more than I wanted to know. And all the information was bad.

November 22 was the day my life began to change forever, so I had better remember! Now every year when November 22 rolls around again I stop and reflect on the events of that day, seared into my mind. The pain is no longer there, but the horror of that day has left its imprint on me. While much of the six and one half weeks that followed until Lena died are a blur, that day stands out clear.

And while the experience of losing someone you love to a horrible disease introduces a period of devastating upheaval in one’s life, not all the changes are bad. I am a better father now than I was prior to Lena’s death. I am less selfish now than I was then. I am a more attentive husband to Sue. And I am far more aware of my responsibility to family and friends then I was back then.

I probably would have learned those life lessons eventually just by continuing to mature and grow, but the crisis experience of walking through Lena’s diagnosis of cancer, and her subsequent death, forced me to re-orient myself more quickly. What really counts in life? What is really important? Some things matter and some things don’t; learn the difference!

November 22 has left a deeper mark on me than January 8, the day Lena died (see the entry entitled Today I remember for more on that story). Both days hold great significance, but November 22 was the day a time of great change began. I will always remember that day, the changes that were initiated in my life; the incredibly difficult grief work and healing journey that began. And today 10 years later I say this. I never want to experience anything like November 22, 1998 again. But I like who God has caused me to be, through the pain and suffering, better than I liked the person I was before the pain and suffering.

November 22. The day my perception of the world and my life changed forever.

Peace,

Leon