Us and Them

One hears a lot of complaints about “the government” these days. There seems, at first blush, to be a very distinct line between us and them. Everyone from politicians to activists offer their thoughts about the relative merits of real America and the Washington D.C. government which is out of touch with the real American values.

As an aside, I find it kind of strange to hear politicians rant against the “out of touch government” while they work so hard to get inside the D.C. beltway. Rarely have I found any of them to perform noticeably different from their predecessors.

Anyway, back to the us against them mentality. To me it seems to be counterproductive at best and a denial of reality at worse. It is too simplistic to point our fingers towards those who have been elected as our leaders and tell them how they screwed things up.

To be sure government at all levels, federal, state and local, has, at times, demonstrated an amazing level of incompetence, inefficiency, self centeredness, sometimes stupidity, a lack of self-control, and even greed. But to sit back and blast away at them, as if they alone are the problem, is to display a collective lack of self-awareness.

Our founding fathers set up this system of government where the people are represented by elected officials; government by the people and for the people. So I submit if we really want Washington, or them, to change we need to change as a society. Rarely have I seen a society as litigious (greedy) as ours. We willingly live beyond our means and rack up massive amounts of consumer debt, and then wonder if there is a program to help us out of the mess (lack of self-control). We tend to be far more concerned about “us four and no more” than we are about the whole of society (self-centered). Even in the community of nations, our collective desire to live as if we are alone on the planet, comes through in less than helpful ways.

Of course you and I wouldn’t actually live that way. We live on a budget, we pay our taxes, and we do our part for the community. It’s the others who are selfish, irresponsible, stupid, and greedy; yeah, it the government and other people, but not us.

Really? Nope. We all carry tendencies towards being selfish and greedy! It is our collective problem and those we elect merely reflect the state of our negative failures along with the good values we hold dear.

I am not saying that everything about our society is bad! We have many admirable traits including generosity, selflessness, ingenuity, and bigheartedness! And I love the relative freedom we enjoy. I only want to point out that we seem to have drawn a line between the government (them) and we the people (us), and this line inhibits our ability to look closely into the failures of our own hearts.

So if, as I contend, there is no them that means there is only us. And if that is true then the only way to change the dysfunction in our government, is to change the dysfunction within our own hearts. And we need to work at it together as a society.

Lord have mercy.

Leon

Just What Does it Take to Make a Decision

My wife is one of those people who likes to tackle a decision only after getting all the facts. Me? Well I think can get “all the facts I need” to make a decision more quickly than she. In other words I like to fly by the seat of my pants.

While Sue and I don’t always reach the same conclusions, there are time when her plodding, methodical approach brings her to the same opinion I reached in about ten seconds. And then there are times when I am enlightened by her “research” and am persuaded to join her wholeheartedly. So we walk on in life and balance each other.

But there was this one time, about ten years ago, when Sue did something uncharacteristically rash. Without having all the plans in place, without knowing all the facts, she made a decision that changed the direction of her life. I was kind of shocked as I watched her, wondering what in the world she was thinking. This was not the Sue I had known for most of a decade. What was going on inside her? Had she taken leave of her senses?

You see ten years ago today, October 2 1999, Sue said I do and married me and our two children. I had lost my first wife to cancer, the kids were three and five years old; and Sue married us anyway! What a difference that has made for us all.

So I got to witness Sue jumping into the great unknown and am grateful to God that I got to jump into the unknown with her.

Happy anniversary Sue.

Peace

Leon

Please Stop The Craziness

I remember where I was when President Kennedy was shot…on the playground at school. I also recall where I was when President Reagan was shot…traveling from PA to VA. The morning Robert Kennedy was shot Mrs. Michaels told us how she cried when she heard the news. While I didn’t like the policies George Wallace espoused, the news that he had been shot and seriously injured while campaigning for president hit me hard. He was the first presidential candidate I of whom I was really aware. President Ford had two attempts made on his life in the 70’s, but escaped injury. However the list of politicians in this country who have been attacked is long and the record shows much tragedy.

To the above list one can add the following presidents/politicians on whom assassins unleashed their hatred: Add Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, both Roosevelts, and Harry Truman. Not all died, but all had attempts made on their lives. That is 20% of our presidents, not to mention a Senator and a Secretary of State .  Then there are the civil rights and religious leaders who have been shot from Vernon Jordan and Dr. King to Malcolm X and numerous others. It seems clear that politics and guns in our culture do not mix healthily.

Additionally, over the last 50 years, there have been hundreds of innocent people in our country who were shot at colleges, high schools, malls, gyms, in the workplace, and in churches; by people who had real or imaginary axes to grind. But no one, politician or otherwise deserves to be shot due to someone having a grievance with them or anyone else.

So here I sit watching news reports of people bringing loaded guns to events where our president will be speaking. Is it any wonder why rational people get a little nervous? The second amendment notwithstanding, this dangerous behavior is a simple invitation to disaster.

When guns are coupled with shouting, anger and emotional outbursts reminiscent of rioting and out of control mobs (the emotional fervor against this administration is almost cult-like in nature); then danger is present. When guns are coupled with people who say and believe statements like “Obamanation, Obama’s will have death squads, Obama is the Anti-Christ, he (Obama) will destroy our nation, he (Obama) wants to do as much damage to our nation as fast as he can, or someone should put a slug in his (Obama’s) head;” there is a serious problem! When guns are coupled with imagery equating our president and NAZIS, the SS, and Hitler (read deadly enemy) the chances of someone needing to shoot to defend the nation raises dramatically.

I see no good reason why anyone, other than law enforcement, should be allowed to bring a gun within miles of the president. Some will cry “This is a restriction of my constitutional rights!” And I say in response, “One cannot shout fire (when there is no fire) in a crowded theater without the expectation of prosecution, and that is not a violation of freedom of speech. It seems to me that these folks showing up at town hall meetings, especially where the President is present, are trying to bait the administration. By bringing guns to such events, they are clearly making a statement that goes beyond a simple exercising of their second amendment rights. If the authorities dare to ban such demonstrations, this administration will be accused of trampling the second amendment. In that case I fear the almost unhinged folks will become all the way unhinged.

But imagine this scenario with me for a moment. During the previous administration an American citizen, wearing a turban, or perhaps just looking like they might be from the Middle East, shows up at a presidential event bearing a loaded assault rifle. Do you honestly think those who currently support the folks showing up at meetings with guns would demand that this individual be allowed to exercise his/her second amendment rights? I doubt it. More likely such a person would have been accosted, arrested, hauled off, and perhaps even tortured.

Folks. We have to stop the craziness! We must open our hearts to respectful dialogue. Polite discussion must replace hate speech. Wild tales must cease. Like cream in the proverbial bucket of milk, those who really love our country need to rise to the occasion and demonstrate visionary restraint. We must show that there are more of us who value respectful dialogue and reason than there are of those who would tear us apart through unrestrained emotion that could lead to dangerous acts; like using the guns brought into volatile situations.

Peace

Death

For a long time, in my daily prayers, I have included prayers for those who have lost loved ones. The sense of despair can be overwhelming.

This week dear friends of mine lost their 18 year old son in a car crash. I was reminded of the depth of sorrow death brings to those of us who still live. While I have never lost a child I have lived through the death of numerous family members, including my first wife. As I have grieved the loss of my friend’s son I tried to put into words how I remember feeling when death invaded my life.

What follows is kind of dark, but it is real. It is what I felt. Thank God it is not the end of the journey, but it was a very real phase. Perhaps later I will add more to this piece that includes the healing phase. I can honestly say life is good. I have joy.  But I also have a deep identification with those who suffer the pain of loss. Join me in lifting up to God all who are in the depth of pain that comes when someone they love departs this life.

Death

The gaping hole inside…is filled with empty, numbing pain

Tears; waterfalls really…but I can’t seem to cry anymore

Shock…overwhelming reality

I cannot go on…I must go on

I am exhausted…insomnia has become my partner

I cannot take in such a vast amount of pain…yet it keeps on coming

I go into the room, smell the clothes …but will never again hold my loved one

Memories comfort me…memories torture me

I am empty inside…but filled with an aching longing

I will be sad forever…I cannot even imagine the future

Vague numbness…specific pain

I cannot cry anymore…but suddenly, I weep and sob

I feel abandoned…a deep, abiding sorrow is my constant companion

I am so full of pain…I am rarely hungry

My life has come to a screeching halt…others go on as if nothing has happened

All of me is pain and suffering…my soul has been shredded

Every waking moment is wracked with pain…the blessing of sleep eludes me

Life goes on…I cannot put one foot in front of the other

I cling to memories…but the life I knew is gone

Will this nightmare never end…I am reminded at 3 AM, this is no dream, this is my life

O Lord. Have mercy on all who suffer the despair of loss. Have mercy O God. Have mercy.

November 22 The Day My World Changed Forever

I remember where I was on November 22, the day JFK was assassinated. That day changed the way Americans perceived their country and the world. It was a pivotal day in the life of our nation. But that is not the reason I write today.

November 22, 1998 is a day that will always live in my mind, because this is the day that Lena, my first wife, was diagnosed with lung cancer at 42. She had been sick for several weeks, but no one expected cancer. The day began with coughed up blood, an emergency baby sitter, a dash to the Dr. a quick x-ray, admittance into the hospital, and people in and out, probing, asking questions, having us sign papers. Lena seemed to be melting away before my eyes. She was weak and often non-responsive. It was more details than I could take in, but that was the day that I realized “till death do us part” was going to happen a lot sooner than I ever imagined just eight years earlier.

November 22 was the day the responsibility of being a single father to my very young kids seemed like the weight of the Titanic. How would I ever be able to give them what they needed to face the world? I did not believe I was up to the challenge.

November 22 was the day I discovered that a terminal illness changes the nature of your relationship to your spouse. In a real way it was the day I lost her. Lena could no longer be my wife. We were no longer on equal footing. I became the one who was responsible for her, our kids, and our home. We were no longer walking side by side as it were. To be sure we were still married, but what marriage now meant changed that day.

November 22 was the day, when on a quick run home to get some toiletries, I collapsed on the floor of my desperately empty house and sobbed a plea to God, “Don’t you leave me too.”

November 22 was when, after waiting an eternity it was finally our turn to get a CAT scan. It was about nine o’clock in the evening. The technician invited me into the room rather than make me wait alone in the hall. He informed me that he would not be able to tell me anything, but as I watched the screen and only saw one normal looking lung appear, my worst fears were confirmed.

November 22, late into the night, was when I first went on the internet and looked up the statistics on lung cancer. I discovered so much more than I wanted to know. And all the information was bad.

November 22 was the day my life began to change forever, so I had better remember! Now every year when November 22 rolls around again I stop and reflect on the events of that day, seared into my mind. The pain is no longer there, but the horror of that day has left its imprint on me. While much of the six and one half weeks that followed until Lena died are a blur, that day stands out clear.

And while the experience of losing someone you love to a horrible disease introduces a period of devastating upheaval in one’s life, not all the changes are bad. I am a better father now than I was prior to Lena’s death. I am less selfish now than I was then. I am a more attentive husband to Sue. And I am far more aware of my responsibility to family and friends then I was back then.

I probably would have learned those life lessons eventually just by continuing to mature and grow, but the crisis experience of walking through Lena’s diagnosis of cancer, and her subsequent death, forced me to re-orient myself more quickly. What really counts in life? What is really important? Some things matter and some things don’t; learn the difference!

November 22 has left a deeper mark on me than January 8, the day Lena died (see the entry entitled Today I remember for more on that story). Both days hold great significance, but November 22 was the day a time of great change began. I will always remember that day, the changes that were initiated in my life; the incredibly difficult grief work and healing journey that began. And today 10 years later I say this. I never want to experience anything like November 22, 1998 again. But I like who God has caused me to be, through the pain and suffering, better than I liked the person I was before the pain and suffering.

November 22. The day my perception of the world and my life changed forever.

Peace,

Leon

Help I’m a Father

So my 14 year old daughter has been after us to change the color scheme in her room. Back when she was seven, the blue and yellow walls, divided by a kitty cat boarder, was exactly what she wanted. The curtain was pink, accented with a splash of flowers that cascaded down on either end. It was a beautiful labor of love that captured the essence of my little girl, my sweetheart, my little angel.

Well folks. Times have changed. Here we are seven years later and she wears bell bottoms with holes in the knees, sometimes has a distinctive 60’s retro look to her hair, wears a homemade pull chain necklace, talks in “text-speak” (OMG, IDK, LOL), is earning her own money with summer babysitting jobs, has DEFINATE opinions about life; and is generally becoming a young woman.

Wow! When did all this change take place? She is starting to talk about what kind of car she would like. She loves Tolstoy’s collection of short-stories Walk in the Light. She is very into this political season (much to my delight), and she has decided it is time to make a change in how her room looks. No more cute little kitty-cats! No she has a color scheme all her own. When we started this discussion she was going for earth tones, but then changed to stark white with black polka-dots. I lucked out in that we didn’t get started right away and as we delayed her ideas and color schemes changed several times. Finally the paint was purchased and we are off.

So now we are in the midst of painting her room a gentle lilac. Not too bad you might say. But then there are the swooping, various colored, overlapping, different sized polka-dots. It was her design and her idea. And as much as I hate to admit it, it fits my little girl –who is coming to own her choices and responsibilities in life. This is her room and her colors and she is doing a lot of the work.

There is a huge difference between the seven year old little girl who delighted in the kitty cat boarder and fourteen year old young women with a distinctive flair and color palate. And there is a huge difference in how a father needs to relate to the young woman as opposed to the little girl.

· I am learning how to back off and yet remain close.

· I am learning to not give advice I know she needs – until she asks for it.

· I am learning new negotiation skills.

· I am learning how out of date I am.

· And I am even learning text speak.

I imagine in another year or two I will be able to write another blog about this continual change process with both my son and my daughter.

It still amazes me how they make you pass a test to drive a car, but will send you home from the hospital -with a real human- with no real training. From the looks of it on the job training will never end in this parenting journey.

Peace,

Leon