For a long time, in my daily prayers, I have included prayers for those who have lost loved ones. The sense of despair can be overwhelming.
This week dear friends of mine lost their 18 year old son in a car crash. I was reminded of the depth of sorrow death brings to those of us who still live. While I have never lost a child I have lived through the death of numerous family members, including my first wife. As I have grieved the loss of my friend’s son I tried to put into words how I remember feeling when death invaded my life.
What follows is kind of dark, but it is real. It is what I felt. Thank God it is not the end of the journey, but it was a very real phase. Perhaps later I will add more to this piece that includes the healing phase. I can honestly say life is good. I have joy. But I also have a deep identification with those who suffer the pain of loss. Join me in lifting up to God all who are in the depth of pain that comes when someone they love departs this life.
Death
The gaping hole inside…is filled with empty, numbing pain
Tears; waterfalls really…but I can’t seem to cry anymore
Shock…overwhelming reality
I cannot go on…I must go on
I am exhausted…insomnia has become my partner
I cannot take in such a vast amount of pain…yet it keeps on coming
I go into the room, smell the clothes …but will never again hold my loved one
Memories comfort me…memories torture me
I am empty inside…but filled with an aching longing
I will be sad forever…I cannot even imagine the future
Vague numbness…specific pain
I cannot cry anymore…but suddenly, I weep and sob
I feel abandoned…a deep, abiding sorrow is my constant companion
I am so full of pain…I am rarely hungry
My life has come to a screeching halt…others go on as if nothing has happened
All of me is pain and suffering…my soul has been shredded
Every waking moment is wracked with pain…the blessing of sleep eludes me
Life goes on…I cannot put one foot in front of the other
I cling to memories…but the life I knew is gone
Will this nightmare never end…I am reminded at 3 AM, this is no dream, this is my life
O Lord. Have mercy on all who suffer the despair of loss. Have mercy O God. Have mercy.
This is the essential struggle, isn’t it? How to reconcile pain? Prayer, prayer, prayer. Surely Christ wept at the death of Lazarus. In his humanness he understood. In his Godliness, he remedied.
Memory Eternal! Glory be to God in all things.
Aly. I cannot fathom how people walk a journey such as this without God. It was certainly the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, but enduring with God’s presence gave the task purpose that suffering without God would have lacked. Thanks for checking in.
Thanks for sharing what this journey is like. The journey of suffering and loss. Indeed, may God have mercy on all those who are living this intensely.
I to can understand the sorrow of death. I lost my mother on April 6, 2009. With 4 of the 5 sibblings at her side we saw Mom take her last breath and peacefully on into the golden gates of Heaven. It was like she was going up stairs and stopped for a deeper breath, then she walked on and stopped to take another deep breath, then as she continued up it was as if Jesus held out his hand and welcomed her in and she stopped breathing. What a wonderful experience. I appreciate your writings and wonder too, how anyone can survive without God by their side. Praise God from who all blessings flow!
Leon, Thank you so much for this poem. It is so echt, so raw, so moving!! I have walked alongside a neighbor who, at this time last year, lost a handicapped son who had always lived with them, and another neighbor whose husband recently passed away. I would like to share this poem with them if you don’t mind. I really liked the contrast of opposites throughout the poem…filled/empty, tears/can’t cry, shock/reality, can’t/must, exhausted/insomnia…etc. Thank you for sharing this with us. Did you write this after Lena died, or did you write this for Josef recently?
Judi.
I wrote this in April after Micah died. I was remembering the intensity of the experience of death and loss, the emotions and physical sensations I went through. So I wrote it down.
Feel free to share it with anyone.
Dear Leon, I’m going through the journey of grief now myself, as you know from my facebook entries, after the death of my dear friend, Dawn Yoder. Since you gave me permission to share this with anyone I wish, I want to share your poem with her husband, Jonathan. Do tag me when and if you go on to add something more about the healing phase. Can you give me Lena’s death date again? I know that I have it somewhere, but I can’t find any old e-mails. I’m thinking that it was the next month after we moved to Alabama that she got sick. Would it have been the fall of 1997? It must be in actual correspondence (on paper) which I have packed away, as we didn’t even have a computer until 1999, when Jerry’s parents came to visit us and bought us one. I send you my love…so sorry we missed you this summer–did you have to go to Elkhart just when we came to Pennsylvania?? Judi
Judy.
May you experience God’s grace as you walk the healing journey. Feel free to share this with Dawn’s husband. Lena died January 1999. Also if you send me your phone number I will be happy to give you a call so we can chat more clearly about the healing journey of grief. You could send it in a FB private message.
Dear Leon, Thank you for your prompt answer. I thought it was January, but I couldn’t remember the year anymore. So now I will remember it as the year I lost a child by miscarriage. I got pregnant a little after Lena died, and lost my baby in April. I will send you my telephone number. It would be nice to hear your voice again.
Don and I had such a nice visit. He stayed in Jon and Dawn’s apartment in their barn. He was saddened by the news of what had happened to Dawn.